my heart, divided

last lullaby ended
sounds of deep breathing
little breaths
i press your warm little fingers
to my lips

my heart fills
my throat closes and 
chokes on a 
sadness 
and love
and regret

i'm sorry, little one
for raising my voice
despite knowing
today
as every day
that it won't be
the solution

sorry
that i'm not filled
every moment
with the wonder and marvel
that is parenthood

sorry
that i choose,
occasionally,
to miss out 
to give up opportunity
choose, occasionally,
time just for me

sorry
that i haven't perfected 
happily laughing through
each tantrum
each meltdown
each disagreement
each "accident"

despite each parent
each relative
each friend
each stranger
each book
each magazine
each poster
each advertisement
each website
each tv show 

telling me
reminding me 
scolding me
flaunting wisdom and 
perfection 

reminding me
reminding me
reminding me

that these days will end
that they will be missed
opportunities dwindle
clock ticks by

reminding me
reminding me

that you will grow
and not want
the attention
that you now crave

now demand
now require
now expect
each minute
each hour
with every breath

reminding me

that you will one day
before i know it
leave me

and the middle-of-the-night calls
that wake me from my dreams
that tear me from soft warm bed
pillow
blanket
solitude

that we negotiate
plead
beg
hope
will end

may actually 
do just that...
...disappear

the cuddles
snuggles,
caresses
stolen in the single-digit 
early hours
1am, 2, 3....

whispers of
"I love you mommy"
 tight grasp of hands
tucking of tiny toes
into warm folds of flesh

my heart fills
my throat closes
and chokes
as i listen to you breathe
deeply
rhythmically
sweetly

that every moment 
can not be perfection
can not be appreciated
for the miracle that it is
for the wonder
for the special

that my patience
is not limitless
that my temper
can not always hold at bay

this tearing of my heart
keeping myself
and losing myself in you
this conflict
tug-of-war
between 
needing my space
and 
needing you

so many labels
so many words
so many emotions
so much of myself
given in the single word:

mommy.

the perfect parent.

I read a lot. 

Not the historical fiction or murder mystery or teenage angst books of my B.C. era (Before Children), and definitely not as much or in the same way as I used to, picking up a novel and starting at the beginning and getting to the end within a day or two, but I still push my eyes across written words and try to make sense of the black and white. More than I probably should sometimes.

 These days my focus is most often Parenting blogs, Pinterest, Facebook Links, Tweets, parenting books, books on How To Be Perfect (Or Close Enough) At Everything I Do.  I've learned that I will never be *that* parent.  The parent who neatly packages each organic-raw-vegan-cut-out-to-look-like-animal-shapes-perfect lunch in non-toxic, sustainable, sourced locally or fair trade containers, the parent who has instilled the importance of charity so strongly in their child that instead of birthday presents the child wants their friends to donate funds to the "Unfortunate-Felines-With-Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder-From-Witnessing-Natural-Disasters-in-Third-World-Countries-Association".  I will not be the parent who NEVER yells at their children, though I do an admirable job 88% of the time, who never snaps without really listening, who is content to co-sleep until their child is 13 and can finally sleep through the night unaided.  I will not be taking my children traveling this summer to witness first hand how people in different countries live and make a living, cook their food, treat their pets...We won't be visiting Seniors Homes and volunteering our time socializing and interacting with the unfortunate seniors without visiting families of their own.  I will not have all the answers, nor will I even know all of the right probing questions to ask at all the right pivotal times...

Nor will I spend my afternoons and evenings shuttling my 2 children between piano or violin lessons, swimming lessons, riding lessons, baseball, soccer, gymnastics, education-enrichment tutoring, and tap dancing class.  My kids will not be spending their summer in a super-cool, mind-expanding, drama/sport/equine summer camp.  We will not be planning any over-the-top perfect themed garden parties with little white-bread finger sandwiches and lemonade, we will not be going on a Disney Cruise, tending our backyard free-range pet chickens (even though I reallllllly want some)....I will not be running a  waldorf-style-homeschool-based neighbourhood-kid enrichment program teaching everyone to Crochet, Knit, and Needlefelt with all-natural materials...

I will stress about my mistakes, about having chosen to vaccinate my babies, being on medication while pregnant, not having been able to breastfeed, I will feel guilty about yelling, or spending a few minutes on the computer instead of focusing 100% of my attention on my children and my household...giving them one more opportunity to form perfect memories of their perfect relationship with their perfect parents....

What we will have?  I can't say for certain in the long term, but this summer?  Walks to the park, pushes on the swing, a shoulder to support them as they attempt the monkey bars again... magic mud a la Dr. Zed... baking soda and vinegar volcanoes...Big cauldrons

of potions of rain-barrel water and anything found in the back yard, stirred with sticks and pronounced "magic" with incantations never replicable....Entire days of no structure, where the kids (poor deprived children) will have to learn how to entertain themselves with a houseful of toys, bikes, scooters, a backyard playground and trampoline...also using said toys, bikes, scooters, backyard playground and trampoline together as a family.

There will be camping with extended family, crazy long car rides, multiple games of eye spy, alphabet hunt, find a red car, find the nearest bathroom NOW!!, canoe rides, hikes in the woods, campfires, campfire songs, roasted marshmallows and smores, bike rides on dirt roads, looking for wildlife, wild blueberries and fireflies, using outhouses and not bathing for a week.  Attempts at fishing, daisy chain making, and staying up as late as possible.


 We will have puzzles and board games, kites, and our vegetable garden....eating strawberries and raspberries, apples, chives and chocolate mint right out of our yard, we will go strawberry picking, apple picking, and possibly blueberry picking again... Farmers' Market, and hopefully the Zoo....Many Many Many colouring pages, scissor crafts, sidewalk chalk and poster paint art....will go through many rolls of scotch and painters' tape, reams of paper, and bags of flour for playdough and dishsoap and water for blowing bubbles...

Discussions about heredity, mortality, immortality, puberty (eek!!), financial management, the basics of friendships, the intricacies of friendships, love, disappointment, responsibility, homework, magic, fairies, Harry Potter, our past, our future, evolution, religion, tradition, family, ability, transition, development, aerodynamics, ecology, herbology, biology, chemistry......


Shopping at the Mall, or more likely Value Village, books read, stories invented, plays and musical performances put on by two or more over-excited and under-practiced children, videos and photos taken, trips to restaurants, pizza dinners in front of a movie, running in the rain or under the sprinkler or getting wet in the local wading pool or splash pad.... burned seats on sun-roasted playground slides, sand in between our toes and in our undies after a day at the park....hide and seek, and that weird game "Grounders" that was invented either outside the community I grew up in or after my time as a child....and I'm certain I will be conned into playing pretend with them at least once or twice - being little sister, big sister, baby, puppy, horsey, or even the bus, in an extended game of make-believe for as long as I can handle it...

We will be filthy and sun-soaked, sometimes grumpy, sometimes overtired, and sometimes bored....there will be arguments between friends and siblings, and even us adults, there will be issues at bedtime, issues with cleaning up, with impatience, the wrong meals, uncomfortable socks, or even just having to wear socks in the first place....

We will accidentally go too long without a snack and our kids will get "hangry" - so hungry that they're angry, according to both my good friends in Gravenhurst, and one of my favourite blogs, Herding Cats.  We will accidentally forget the organic-non-deet-insect-repellant, or not-so-all-natural sunscreen, and kick ourselves (metaphorically, I hope) as one of us whimpers through a day of sunburn or too many itchy insect bites...We will be late for playdates, forget to wish friends and family members (at least those not on facebook) a happy birthday; will be irritated with fruit flies buzzing around the kitchen counter because we ignored the dishes for one day too many...or with moths and mosquitos in the house because a door was left open AGAIN...We will be irrationally irritated by our children getting muddy right before going somewhere, singing off-key and high pitched, missing a turn-off on the highway, or having to stop on the road to go to the bathroom AGAIN, even though we asked 5 minutes before if anyone had to "go".  There will be rainy-day disappointment, my-friend-isn't-home-and-I-am-disapointed days, and days where we are too tired to entertain another game of make-believe with our children.

 In those times, those moments where we are cross, short tempered, frustrated, irritated, or down right angry and fed-up, in those times, it will be very easy to forget all of the positives.  All of the adventures of watching a snail's foot from underneath as it ripples across a pane of glass, the sheer joy of using the pressure of a garden hose to make a HUGE mud puddle to squish between our toes...

In those times I will feel the guilt of not being *THAT parent*.  That perfect air-brushed, edited, does everything right parent who schedules and plans and organizes and is never late for anything.  And hopefully in those moments I will remember this post, look at all of the things we will do, all of the things we are, and hopefully I will step back and realize, and truly believe, that as a parent,

I AM DAMNED GREAT.