my heart, divided

last lullaby ended
sounds of deep breathing
little breaths
i press your warm little fingers
to my lips

my heart fills
my throat closes and 
chokes on a 
sadness 
and love
and regret

i'm sorry, little one
for raising my voice
despite knowing
today
as every day
that it won't be
the solution

sorry
that i'm not filled
every moment
with the wonder and marvel
that is parenthood

sorry
that i choose,
occasionally,
to miss out 
to give up opportunity
choose, occasionally,
time just for me

sorry
that i haven't perfected 
happily laughing through
each tantrum
each meltdown
each disagreement
each "accident"

despite each parent
each relative
each friend
each stranger
each book
each magazine
each poster
each advertisement
each website
each tv show 

telling me
reminding me 
scolding me
flaunting wisdom and 
perfection 

reminding me
reminding me
reminding me

that these days will end
that they will be missed
opportunities dwindle
clock ticks by

reminding me
reminding me

that you will grow
and not want
the attention
that you now crave

now demand
now require
now expect
each minute
each hour
with every breath

reminding me

that you will one day
before i know it
leave me

and the middle-of-the-night calls
that wake me from my dreams
that tear me from soft warm bed
pillow
blanket
solitude

that we negotiate
plead
beg
hope
will end

may actually 
do just that...
...disappear

the cuddles
snuggles,
caresses
stolen in the single-digit 
early hours
1am, 2, 3....

whispers of
"I love you mommy"
 tight grasp of hands
tucking of tiny toes
into warm folds of flesh

my heart fills
my throat closes
and chokes
as i listen to you breathe
deeply
rhythmically
sweetly

that every moment 
can not be perfection
can not be appreciated
for the miracle that it is
for the wonder
for the special

that my patience
is not limitless
that my temper
can not always hold at bay

this tearing of my heart
keeping myself
and losing myself in you
this conflict
tug-of-war
between 
needing my space
and 
needing you

so many labels
so many words
so many emotions
so much of myself
given in the single word:

mommy.

my daughter

our bodies,
which were once one
fit together still

your little head 
tucked perfectly against me
little fingers picking
at the softness
of my sweater

we were meant to be together
you and i
our differences more similar
our similarities more different

you mirror to me
all of my hopes and dreams
my strengths 
my weaknesses
my fears

from whence you came
you shall never fully return
but my heart
and yours
shall remain
connected

as you reach out into this world
exploring
growing
learning

in your own way
because of me
despite me
to spite me
regardless of me
learning

stumbling
more than others
perhaps
finding strength
more than others
perhaps

overcoming
all obstacles
never alone
always with my heart
connected

my strength 
connected
my happiness
connected
my love
connected
to you

little toes
pressed firmly 
against warm 
weathered flesh

little heart 
pressed firmly
against warm
weathered heart

giving
taking
connecting
loving
learning
teaching

you are

my daughter

On Bullying.

if you have yet to see this video, you must.